I got this advertisement in the mail yesterday.  Does this bother anyone else besides me?  As I recall, this is the company that puts those little warning signs out – don’t let kids and animals on the lawn because we just sprayed it.  Oh look!  Timmy and Johnny can’t read!  What fun to lay on the toxic bath Daddy bought so the neighbors would admire how green our lawn is when they drive by!  Wheeee!  I wonder how long it will take for us to get cancer? I thought this company was called TruGreen Chemlawn.  I wonder now that they have changed their name to “TruGreen Go Green” if their lawn treatments are any less chemicalized than they were before?  Or were they just bought out by Michigan State University?  The inside of the brochure says they do now offer a 100%  natural option.  Hmm.  I wonder now natural that “natural” really is.  In this current global orgasm of exaggerated, extrapolated enviro-green marketing,  I think we have some BIG FAKERS, and excuse me, wolves-in-sheeps clothing, I don’t think what you say is good for you is good for me at all!  The fact is, everybody’s on the bandwagon hoping to make a little profit for as long as the ride lasts, and it’s really difficult to tell who’s for real and who’s not.

Tell you what.  I’ll bet you they’re certainly not thinking of what I’m thinking of with the term “100% natural fertlizer.”  The easiest, cheapest and most natural solution would probably drive my lawn-worshipping next-door neighbor absolutely BATTY.  I can bet you without even looking that it would be against some city ordinance and I’d get fined, too.   How do I say this delicately?  Well, in the immortal words of that famous skit from DaYoopers,   “I got dat… pig ‘nure,  I got dat… cow ‘nure,  I got dat… horse ‘nure.   Hell, I got all kindsa shit for sale!”

How about highly compostable and easy to work with rabbit or goat ‘nure?  Super awesome chicken ‘nure?  Or, be still my heart, what if you can get your hot little hands on the world-cup level stuff?!  Like vermiculture! (worm ‘nure),  or the ultimate gardener’s treasure,  alpaca ‘nure?!  Die and go to heaven, what about your own homegrown uber-awesome humanure!!!  Talk about WOW!  Let me tell YOU what kind of yard I’d have then!  What a truly GREEN sight it would be next year if I could use any or all of these truly 100% natural options!!  Yes, I said next year… good things take time, dontcha know?!  Who cares about the year of Trubrown Fertile Lawn beforehand?  **Sigh!**  That’s why my neighbors would never let me get away with it.

They’d probably even complain if I sprayed my yard for mosquitoes with garlic instead of Gunky-Junk in a Bottle of Who Knows Whats-It.  * * * Sigh!!! * * *

For more, please see the article by Joel Salatin entitled “Everything I Want To Do Is Illegal”